Thursday, 10 September 2015

Broken

#dd if=/dev/brain of=blogg


It's now going on almost three years since my anxiety disorder first entered my life uninvited and about six months since I last slept properly, not feeling like I'd only had a few hours sleep.

Now marriage is on the horizon and life is getting twenty times busier, what with what feels like a one and only chance to recertify and upskill.

Finances are causing untold stress as well, which puts more pressure on me for the above reasons and future plans (read: family).

Sadly, I can only see realism and logic, 1's and 0's, if then else. This can and regularly does get perceived as negative, not very helpful to my cause.

My way of thinking probably isn't normal, but what is? More importantly, why should I change that if that is who I am?

I'm now at a point where my relationship with the fiancée is stretched to the point of breaking, like a rubber band that keeps stretching, but amazingly hasn't broken. Yet.

I can see part of my father in the way I do certain things, which scares the hell out of me, because I do not want to be like him. I want to be me, and I most certainly don't want to be encumbered by the same physical and psychological issues he has.

I am so tired, both literally and figuratively and I am finding it very difficult to continue on this 'do until' or 'do while' life.

I'm also very disappointed in myself, for not getting the career on track earlier in my life.

I'm also frustrated that all my hard work isn't recognised at all, that I forget so many simple things, nor can I focus at my job or my studies, adding more stress in getting ahead.

I am not seeking sympathy, but I am trying to find positivity at work and in my life, which just aren't anywhere to be seen.